"When two people who thus discover that they are on the same secret road are of different sexes, the friendship which arises between them will very easily pass—may pass in the first half hour—into erotic love. Indeed, unless they are physically repulsive to each other or unless one or both already loves elsewhere, it is almost certain to do so sooner or later." - CS Lewis, The Four Loves
This is such a nuisance. Honestly, wouldn't it be nice if once we found our spouse our eyes were somehow veiled and every other member of the opposite sex turned into a gruesome, disfigured freak? Imagine! There would be no need to worry about where your spouse's eyes may roam when they're away from you. If only.
Unfortunately, that's not the case. In fact, I think it can sometimes be the other way around. It's kind of the "grass is greener on the other side" mentality. After looking at the same face for ten or twenty years, it might not take a lot to catch your eye. Especially if that face has started to age.
I have danced around this problem like a stinkin' ballerina, and like I said, it's a nuisance. There have been times when I have wanted to sit down for a cup of coffee with a male friend, or go to lunch, for the sole purpose of having a conversation. There are times when a discussion arises on Facebook (a terrible medium for any real talk) and I want to continue it face-to-face. Yet, every time, I get this gut/Spirit check that says, "Don't."
And I don't. I have a general rule about interactions with fellas other than my husband and family members that basically says no one-on-one stuff. There are only a handful of men who I will even text or email without copying it to their wives. I know, it sounds a little paranoid, but the reason is two-fold. One, I want to be above reproach. And two, I want to shelter the wives from even a hint of suspicion. Not only do I have my marriage to consider, but also theirs. So let's get into the reasons behind the red tape.
Satan is a crafty little devil
I've told you before that I believe Satan's favorite technique is distraction. As long as our focus is even slightly misplaced, our eyes are not fixed on Christ. And, if our eyes are not fixed on Christ, we are that much more vulnerable to the enemy's darts. Friends, I don't know about you, but my marriage is too important to risk.
It's more important than the friendships I had before I met my husband.
It's more important than the enticing conversations I could have today.
It's more important than convenience.
I know that many of you will think this is silly. I mean, we're not animals, we're grown people who should be able to control our urges. That's what the world will tell us. They would say that I don't trust myself or my spouse enough. They would tell me to grow up and stop making a big deal out of something so simple. To which I would respond, "Friends, please don't overestimate yourself."
The danger zone
My husband works in a female dominated environment. He is an ER nurse, a great one, but to my everlasting chagrin he is surrounded by women all day. Now, I trust my husband. And to the extent of my knowledge of them, I trust the women he works with. BUT, that trust does not trump their humanness. For me to say that I can safely have male friends that I hang out with apart from my husband, and I share intimate conversations with, and I am emotionally invested in, and this will pose no risk to my marriage because I can be trusted, is like saying it's okay to leave your dog alone with the Thanksgiving turkey for an hour, because he has never bothered the turkey before.
That's nuts.
So there is a line drawn in the sand. If a strictly work relationship were to tip toe across that line, there would be a problem. There has to be accountability, and there has to be an awareness of the danger zone. We are told to flee from temptation, but that really goes against every grain in our flesh. If we stumble upon someone who we find interesting and fun to be around, our flesh says pursue a relationship, get to know them better. But therein lies the danger. What happens when you realize that this new friend is more interesting and more fun than your spouse? They're not bad to look at either. And they like you. They laugh at your jokes, when was the last time your spouse laughed at your jokes? Or asked you how your day was? Or took an interest in something that you're interested in. Or . . .
And thus begins the process.
I know you think you're strong, I know you think you're safe from awful things like affairs and divorce and scandal, but you're really not. Romans 3:10 tells us that "None is righteous, no not one." This is echoed throughout the Psalms as well. We are fallen beings, living in a fallen world. And yes! We have freedom from sin. And yes! Christ died to give us victory over our flesh.
But, we are still fallen beings, living in a still fallen world. There is no complete remedy for that, this side of heaven. So while we are here, we would be wise to be realistic. Stop testing the limits. Create some boundaries, stick to them, and make sure that you and your spouse are on the same page. Your marriage is important, so very important, don't gamble with it.
What wisdom can you share on this subject? Have you experienced any of these struggles? Do you think men and women can be "just friends"?
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I used to think it was possible for a man and woman to be just friends, but have changed my mind recently. I am not married but have been, so i'm not giving advice but just want to share what i am facing. I have always been a girl who wanted "just friends" guy friends. Now that i am older and free (from a relationship) to make the decision, i wonder if it is possible. I want to hang out with guys because i am less intimidated by them than women but i don't want to, in any way, give off a vibe that I am or may be "interested." I am also aware that a man may have other ideas about where the friendship could lead that I am not aware of. Like i said, i don't have a husband to protect and i wouldn't be friends with a married man unless his wife were also my friend. I would go through the texting the wife or talking to the wife on the phone also if i felt it necessary to contact the husband. I actually have a friend whose husband helped me out a lot around the house fixing stuff and i always let her know what was going on because of past complications in their marraige and i loved them both. Now I am aware to the point of not even speaking to guys because of a friendship of mine the went bad and turned into a physical assault. I don't want to be left out of the loop on where "he thinks" the relationship is. So "How can a single woman have just a friendship with a man that leads to NOTHING else?" is my question? Is it even possible? I thought it was. Now i'm not so sure.
ReplyDelete@Alisha
ReplyDeleteAlisha, this is going to sound very close-minded and black and white, but my answer to your question would simply be, she can't. I'll take some wisdom my husband recently gave a young friend of mine. She had a male friend that was interested in her, and she had made it clear that she had no feelings for him but simply wanted to be friends. We asked my husband what he, being a male, would take away from that. He referenced that scene in Dumb & Dumber, when the girl tells Lloyd that the chances of the two of them hooking up are about a million to one, and Lloyd responds, "So, you're telling me there's a chance!"
We have to recognize how differently men and women are wired, what we intend to communicate may not be what they hear, and that's not to fault them. We're just different. Men love the pursuit, so if you give them an opportunity, and they're interested in you, then it's game on in their minds. So I would say pursue relationships with women. Female friendships are so precious, much harder and slower to cultivate, but so worth the time. When you spend time with male friends, do it in a group setting. But like CS Lewis says, if you spend enough time with someone of the opposite sex, feelings will inevitably arise. If you're not ready for that, guard against it. If you are, pray through it.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Alisha. Feel free to email me if you want to talk further, I will be praying for your situation. :)
salweatherford@hotmail.com
Nikki,
ReplyDeleteWhen I was single I had a lot of male friendships. I was clear about my intentions, and the relationships never went further. As Lewis said, either I didn't find the guy attractive and/or I was dating someone else.
The truth is, in every case, the guy hung around because he was interested in more than a friendship. I knew that then (because they made it clear at some point in the friendship), but I felt it was fair because I had made my position clear.
Now that I'm older and have been married for awhile, I see that these guys had a completely different perspective. And it doesn't matter what I said, I was still toying with their feelings.
We take the same precautions with our marriage that you do. It's better not to let anything begin to develop in the first place. Once it does, it can take on a life of its own and cloud our judgment.
@Bridget Schmidt
ReplyDelete"It's better not to let anything begin to develop in the first place. Once it does, it can take on a life of its own and cloud our judgment."
Perfectly said, Bridget! Especially when our intentions are pure, it's hard to recognize when a line has been crossed, by the time we do it's already a problem. Thanks for commenting!
This, of all the discussions I can get into with my non-believing friends, is often the most fiery of debates! Crazy? Nope. This is exactly how they perceive my "prudish" behavior in regards to my personal "no one-on-one meetings with members of the opposite sex" rule.
ReplyDeleteAnd I do it for one reason. When my husband and I were preparing to get married, we took a premarital weekend course. The leaders (a couple from our church, at the time) were revered by all of us. The man pointedly told us that after years of counseling married couples in crisis, the one thing that you can absolutely do to minimize your own chances for infidelity is to, "NEVER say NEVER!" Essentially, he reminded us that in that moment when you scoff and say that an affair could NEVER happen to you, you render yourself open to the enemy's fiery darts of distraction and "other than what you have". I have no desire to put down my armor, just to fit in with those who say "it's no biggie".
@Missy
ReplyDelete"in that moment when you scoff and say that an affair could NEVER happen to you, you render yourself open to the enemy's fiery darts of distraction and 'other than what you have'. I have no desire to put down my armor, just to fit in with those who say 'it's no biggie'."
Such a good point, Missy, thank you!